you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Randomize
