the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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