And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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