so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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