genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
