She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
What a dumb baby whore.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
