I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
