I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
