Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
