Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
