i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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