is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Randomize
