Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
