What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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