Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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