OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
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we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
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Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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