The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
