We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
