I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
