The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
