mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
