i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
