Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
