An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
