Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
