i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
