Umm I'm too high to move.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
