Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
