I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
