your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Randomize
