my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
