You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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