True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Congratulations! We have a period
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
