Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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