Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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