i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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