the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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