after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
