I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
