Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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