The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
