we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
There's always time for handjobs
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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