Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Randomize
