Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
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She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
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He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.