Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.