Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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