I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
