I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
