I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
