I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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