You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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