I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
