sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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